I heard these commercials recently. Yeah, I did! They're all over the airwaves.
1. The lawyers [commercial running every ten minutes, 24 hours a day.]
Have you suffered financially or physically from the new administration's quest to throw money at, buy into, and socialize everything in sight? Are you suffering from the constant attacks on traditional religion and free speech, the increasingly accepted aberrant behavior, the loss of Constitutional protections and the higher cost of living? It's easy to suffer since the threats are so pervasive. If so, call 1-800-555-0000 and speak with one of our 32,642 attorneys manning the phones 25/8. You've been hurt, and you deserve satisfaction with a high monetary settlement so you can pay the excessive new taxes due now or in the near future, and help your grandchildren pay off the fast increasing national debt.* As an ad says, 'Nobody intimidates our clients. Nobody.'**
*Our 45% of the settlements received fund our payroll of $249,999 per attorney.
** except us
2. The coin [commercial running every three minutes, 24 hours a day.]
Now available! A 24-carat gold* quarter-sized coin of the new Presidential administration. Deeply etched on the front side is the image of the President bowing deeply to an Arab prince because the prince is only one foot tall. Surrounding the scene are the letters spelling 'United Socialized States of America', and in large letters the positive accomplishments of the Obama administration so far or anticipated.
On the reverse are the images of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi [with tiny representations of Hillary Clinton, Jeremiah Wright, and Bill Ayres.] Words surrounding the images convey the accomplishments of the Democrat Congress in the past five years along with the complete list of positive political and social results from Democrats in the past twenty years, and the qualifications of the President for his office. No state identification is provided because of the uncertainty as to where the President was born. The images of Africa and a bald eagle with toupe and lead wing weights are in the center, backing the above noted faces.
Buy your collector's coin or coins at an amazing television direct price of $0! That's no misprint folks. The cost is $0$ Just pay shipping and handling of $2,000 per coin--call now folks, 'cause you know we can't do this all day. There's a limit of 20 coins per caller**, and all profits go directly to the House and Senate Democrat slush fund. You can't do any better than that!***
* plated over plastic
** per broadcast
*** each coin is imbedded in pure plastic to prevent fingerprints and examination
3. The Food Ad
Buy now at great prices! Buy your bread and milk directly from Acme Bread and Milk Conglamerate. Pay for ten or more years of bread and milk products now for future delivery. Avoid the 150% taxes of the Obama administration on these items set to take place in three months. Selection of breads is large, and costs only $8.95 per loaf; milk and cream productions range from $10 per gallon to $6 per pint. And as a special for our law enforcement families, donuts are on the menu at only $3 each! Choices will be stored in our airy, wooden warehouses for free for the selected time period! Payment in advance is required to avoid the new taxes. Delivery is free except for the new $200 per order delivery tax. We use only rehabilitated, electric- and peddle-driven Volkswagon Beetles for these deliveries driven by uniformed grade schoolers. Call now at the number shown on the screen. We have warehouses across the country, and our corporate offices are in the Grand Caymens. We aim to please! We aim to save you $thousands of the new taxes. Buy now and receive a free collectors coin---as noted in our previous ad---for only $50!
*Sorry, but freshness and purity not guaranteed.
The sad thing about these ads is that they could all be true. Our future is in the hands of amateurs. Please God, bring 2010 quickly.
